who we are
by folie a plusieurs
Summary: and really, she thinks she may be a bad person. -LucyLouis, hints of LucyLorcan, Cousincest, one-shot, for Leeshy.


**lucy/louis, for leeshy (**vanity sinning**)  
>no caps on purpose :')<strong>

**/**

and really, she thinks she may be a bad person.

**/**

his lips attack her neck angrily, and she moans, arching her body closer to his.

her small hands find his straight hair, and for a moment she lets herself pretend that it's curls her fingers are buried in. as one of his large hands slip underneath her skirt, she shakes her head slightly and catches his lips with hers because she wants to forget about _him _and this is the only way she knows how.

morally, this is probably just a bit wrong.

because, see, she doesn't want lorcan and lorcan doesn't want her - no, they both want other people; people they can't have, so they take it all out on each other.

(call her a whore all you want - she doesn't really care anymore).

**/**

she sees louis around sometimes - usually, he's with helena or scorpius, the latter who is always giving her these looks that scream "you should have fought" and maybe he's right, but even though she wanted to fight, she couldn't - she was too tired and sad and she had to let him go.

she sees him today. he's alone and he looks as if he wants to say something, but doesn't know what.

they both slow their pace down, until they're standing right in front of each other.

nowadays, with her reputation shit and news of every hook up with lorcan spreads around the castle faster than she can blink, he kind of just looks at her. she doesn't really recognize this look - maybe it's him trying to figure out where exactly she went wrong. maybe he just doesn't recognize this new, uncharted lucy.

see the old lucy didn't have a reputation; the old lucy had a sweet tooth and an innocent smile - this lucy, all she has is killer legs that show through her too-short skirts, dyed blonde hair, and the ability to pretend she's not falling apart.

she opens her mouth to speak, but she's unsure of what to say. it's funny, really, in an ironic-not-funny-at-all sort of way - last year, they were best friends. but then helena came into the picture and louis fell in love, without realizing his best friend was already head over heals for him.

it was her fault too - she never spoke about it, and really, she didn't even realize until it was too late and louis was helena's. and why should she have spoken up, anyway? he's her cousin, remember?

she doesn't realize how awkward the situation is until lorcan is grabbing her wrist without a word and pulling her away from a still silent louis, as if he can tell the distress this whole encounter is sure to cause her later, once she's up in her dorm, her hangings drawn and her friends whisperings about how much of a slut lucy weasley has become her background music.

she glances back at louis as lorcan leads her through the crowded hallway.

he's watching her walk away, and for the first time she thinks maybe this all hurts him just as much as it hurts her.

**/**

she lays up on top of the astronomy tower later that night with lorcan.

they don't kiss or fuck, not like they usually do. instead they just lay there, drinking and watching the stars. a cigarette hangs out the left side of his mouth and when he notices her looking at it, he offers her a puff. she hesitates, for just a moment, before she nods and takes the white stick in between her lips and inhales.

she coughs and he laughs and then she laughs and maybe it's the alcohol, but fuck, it just feels so good to laugh - it's freeing, in a way, and for a moment she feels just that; free.

free from her problems and past and reputation. free from the whispers that feel like screams and most of all, free from herself and that taunting voice inside her head.

when the laughter is gone, and there's nothing but silence and the sound of their breathing around them, she doesn't wait for him to ask her if she wants to talk about earlier, doesn't wait for him to offer his shoulder - not the way most girls would. because, he doesn't like talking and she likes that about him.

the silence is loud enough for the both of them - they don't need the added weight of words.

**/**

louis corners her in the library a few days later, her back against bookshelf that holds muggle romance novels, and even though _romeo and juliet _is digging into her back painfully, she doesn't move, doesn't breath, doesn't speak. instead she meets his furious eyes with a fierce look of her own and tries not to think about just how close he is to her.

"who are you?"

his words are harsh, but there's a tenderness hidden underneath them. there's a pleading note in his eyes, and she knows he doesn't mean for her to see it - see any of it, but she's lucy and no matter how near or far away she is, she sees everything little thing about louis weasley.

"i don't know," she murmurs honestly, peering up at him through her ginger eyelashes. she bites down on her lip and finally the pain of the books digging into her back becomes too much and she has to readjust herself. in the process her hips accidentally brush his, and before she realizes just what's happening, his lips are on hers.

his kiss is the opposite of what she always imagined - it's hungry and angry and when her fingers curl into his hair, she almost sighs because it's curls she's touching and she doesn't have to pretend.

she wraps her arms around his neck, forgetting about the minor fact that they're in a very public library and he is in a very serious relationship with one helena thomas, oh and then there's the little fact that their _cousins_.

she should pull back. he should pull back.

neither of them do.

**/**

they don't talk after the kiss. instead, they seemingly go back to the way things were before - not before helena, only before the kiss - and lucy hates it, but she expects it and she doesn't try to fight it.

instead, she goes to find lorcan so she can lose herself in the alluring world of sex and alcohol.

**/**

she gets a tattoo of an aqua blue dream catcher on her boney hip on her sixteenth birthday a few days later, and the needle should probably hurt her, but she's too wasted to feel it.

her mum died sixteen years ago. there's an empty sort of feeling weighing down in her chest, as she realizes this, and she knows no matter how much she drinks and how many times she fucks lorcan, she'll never be able to fill that void.

(that's what louis was for).

and glancing over at lorcan, who came with her, and who is currently browsing through the selection of tattoos, she wishes for a moment that she was in love with him instead. he's slowly become her best friend through everything, despite their constant shags and snogs.

he's a good guy underneath it all, and she wishes lily could see it - at least one of them deserve a happy ending.

**/**

she gets sick of avoiding louis and goes to find him a week after her birthday. she hadn't realized just how much she missed him until they kissed that day in the library.

she finds her way to the ravenclaw common room with ease, and doesn't have as much trouble answering the riddle as she usually does. the students of ravenclaw house look a bit shocked to see lucy, but no one says anything as she climbs the stairs to his dorm.

she bangs on the door loudly, impatiently - the way she always used to do.

she half expects him to realize who it is and not answer, but he opens the door just as she thinks this. she slips inside his dorm without a word quickly, scared he might shut the door on her if she just stands there in the doorway.

she makes her way to the last bed on the left, near the big window - his bed - and sits down like she always used to. she watches the muscles in his back tense slightly as he stands there, seemingly shell shocked by her presence.

"hi," she murmurs, crossing her legs underneath him in a way that conveys the message loud and clear - _we need to talk. _

"hi," he mutters, and finally lets the door fall closed. he starts walking slowly towards her and when he finally stops in front of her, she lets out a breath she didn't realize she was holding.

"so," she murmurs, averting her gaze from him to the blue blanket underneath her. she waits and waits for him to speak, but he doesn't, so she does instead. "i miss you," she admits quietly, still not looking at him.

the bed dips down beside her and his hand finds hers.

"i miss you, too." he murmurs, his voice just as low as hers. she glances up at him in question, but he doesn't speak - instead he moves slowly towards her and for a second she screams at herself because, he's taken, but she doesn't dwell on that for too long, because in a way, he was hers first, and no matter who he's dating, he always will be hers.

his lips are on hers, and his hands are trailing down her sides and, _"this is wrong."_

too bad neither of them care anymore.


End file.
